sethrants' Journal

1:52am: Im Leaving
Im gone the 22nd of June... just giving everyone a fair warning

1:17am: look out beth-hem... im coming...

3:04pm: brotherhood
i am now a member of the Psi Phi Gamma Fraternity

12:14am: ΨΦΓ

4:09am: ive had enough
i know that i ahve said this before... and i prob have meant it before on some level or another but, im done. Im done with being the butt of the joke. Im done with eing the punch line. Im done with taking the beatings that are dealt to me. I have always thought of myself as a good guy. I do things for others before myself. I do all that i can for others. All i get in return is shit... i don't know what else to do. Yes im ugly. Yes im stupid. Yes im useless. But please do me the favor of not telling me that to my face... I don't know what else to do but fade out of everyone's life...

10:21pm: James Brown



On this day of joy the world morns the loss of The Godfatha of Soul, James Brown.... Dead at Dec. 25 3:30 am (estimated)

6:47pm: TO ALLL
I know its last min but if you want to see the final bout of the Rocky series be at Crossgates Cinema 18 at 10:15... ROCKY BOLBOA... think about it

2:47am: Fuck You
Fuck all of you assholes who pertend to be my freinds i know where i place. at the bottom of the social food chain. and i might be drunk at this moment but i can still tell when im being filled with bullshit. none of you care what will happen to me 5 years from now, or a year from now, or even a month. If the Oswego border patrol found my fuckin body floating in lake ontario all they would do is shoot, and contact next of kin. my biggest fear in life is that no one will show up at my funeral... and as of now i have no one showing up when im alive, so fuck you all...i don't care what you think anymore... i'm ready to leave a good looking corpse(well not good looking but young at least.)



Edit: I'm sorry i was really drunk when i wrote this so knowing that you have to realize that i mean only half of what i said. And it is ot really directed to any group of people directly im just feeling alone and i don't have a lot of support from people who i thought what was my freinds. So i apologize. for being drunk and going on livejournal

5:43pm: Cowboys lose?
just to let all of my loved ones know i made a bet with bill walker last night about the monday night football game. to make a long story short i jumped into lake ontario at about midnight the approximite temp 30 degrees with a 40 mph wind with rain and hail all day.... i may or may not get pnomia

10:58pm: i am useless
i can't take it much longer... it's been a while since i have felt this cold jolting pain in my back... i don't want to be here anymore... i don't want to be alone anymore... i want people to actully enjoy me... i don't want to be blown off anymore... i don't want to be the sober one stuck in my room waiting for a phone call that will never happen... i don't want to be the pity card... i want to stick up for myself... i want to stop chugin cheap whiskey to lose these feelings of disappointment and depression... i want to lose it all... i want to feel the metal in my blood... i want to feel the water in my lungs... i... need someone to talk to... but if i left tonight and leave it all no one even know my name... i need help

7:31pm: Im ready to give up
Fitter, happier, more productive, comfortable
not drinking too much
Regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
Getting on better with your associate employee (contemporaries at ease)
Eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
A patient better driver, a safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
Sleeping well, no bad dreams, no paranoia
Careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
Keep in contact with old friends
enjoy a drink now and then
Will frequently check credit at moral bank (hole in wall)
Favors for favors
fond but not in love
Charity standing orders on sundays (ring road supermarket)
No killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants
Car wash (also on sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate (nothing so childish)
At a better pace, (no chance of escape)
Now self-employed (concerned, but powerless)
An empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
Will not cry in public, less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet
Shot of baby strapped in back seat
a good memory (still cries at a good film)
Still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic (like a cat tied to a stick)
That's driven into frozen winter shit
the ability to laugh at weakness
Calm fitter, healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics

5:26am: I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree, I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence, I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up



I wish all my freinds would come get me cause i don't have any right now (thats my part)

11:29pm: Smile
Sitting here,
Thinking about the time we shared
The Love you gave so freely
Lets me know you care
In spite of all the things we've been through
I know it was only a test
And now i wish that you were here here with me to cure my loneliness

And I'll just smile
When I think of all the good times
I'll just smile
When I think about all the joy you bring
When I think about how you touched my life and how you set my spirit free
Ill just smile when I think about all you did for me

I never knew before we met
What love could do for me
And when we were together I saw how strong that could be
With all the space between us
I still feel like you are here
And with all the love that is my heart
It will keep you right in there

And I'll just smile
When I think of all the good times
I'll just smile
When I think about all the joy you bring
When I think about how you touched my life and how you set my spirit free

When I think about how you touched my life and how you set my spirit free
Ill just smile

Ill Smile
In the pouring rain
In sickness and in pain
Ill Smile because you were here with me
On lonely days
Ill Smile
Ill Smile
yea, i'll smile

7:59pm: BHEC
I miss all you guys just thought i would let you know.
I'm having a party when i come back and your all invited.
Im turning 18 soon.
When i go back home im going to a strip club.
Let me know whats going in you lifes. (Drama, Gossip, etc.)
Love and Kisses

-Seth

12:42am: A Little Bit of a Rant
Ok so befor i start i am apologizing to anyone who reads and/or is offened but, i'm getting a little pissed how selfish everyone is being. I try as hard as i can to make sure that everyone else is happy and having a good time. But it seems like everytime it comes down to it everyone looks out for themselves. I've been hauling my ass driveing people everywhere with nothing to show for it. I spend more money helping my freinds out that at this point i'm not gonna have enough to last the week i have left. And why do i do all this... because i love my freinds, and thats all i have to make me feel good about myself. Making you guys happy makes me happy. So all i want in return is for people to care what happens to me. Because the way i feel now... i don't know. It's getting harder to put on this mask that everything is... ok. When i feel like this year has been a joke and im just being used as either a mode of transportation or a morale crutch. As i said before I'm leaving in a week, June 25th, and i don't know if ill see you guys when i come back... thats why im scared that the only reason people will care that i'm leaving is becuse thats one less person who will drive them across town for no charge... So back to the topic at hand, not just for me, but for everyone. Insted of thinking that you are the only person of importance, and that the only thing that matters is that your happy. pay attention to the people that you leave behind. pay attention to the people that you lie to. the people that you give false hope to, the people you steal time/money/spirt from.


Again, I'm really sorry i just needed to vent. it's just that yesterday i finished high school and it was one of the worst days of my life because it seemed like nobody cared about me, even though i put myself on the line. But it was also made worse by family troubles but i don't want to get into that. Most of the time i just keep my problems to myself but i don't my last memories of my freinds be of this. And if i offebed anyone i'm sorry and you can tell me about in any way at the same time.

10:19pm: It's Been a Long Time Commin
So it's been a lomg time since i've written anything, but I'm bored from doing my project. So here we go... I Choose my college and I'm going to and that college is Oswego. So that should be cool. And as long as pass my interenship stuff everything will workout. Im really looking foward to the end of the year stuff coming up aka prom and the stuff that follows. Im really getting into the B-Ball. I have been watching the play-offs and i have been playing whenever i get a chance and thats mad cool. And in the words of the hood, i just bought "fresh kicks." So now that all that bullshit is out of the way, on to the thing on my mind:

Why do bad things always happen to good people. It is never the high level drug dealer and trafficer or the rapist or the general assholes. It is the ones who just wanna have a good time and are at the wrong place at the wrong time. And that gets me pissed. They never do anybody anyharm and then they ridiculed through the paper and have that lingering over their head for the good part of their life. And that gets me pissed. Maybe if cops stoped focusing on Non-violent victimless crimes and pay attention to assaults robberies and crimes that help the community. But wahteva i'm just a teenager that doesn't pay taxes and therfore doesn't matter. I'm not saying that the police should choose not to follow some state and federal laws but is it really neccasary to slander a persons name in the local paper.... well im gonna stop talking before i say something that will offened the person of conversation because i already said too much. So i apologize. But i just feel so bad when something so bad happens to someone so good.

So thats my rant and i'm sorry for who read it...

11:08pm: The Good and the Green
if anyone needs anything... get my cell number

2:30pm: She grew up in an Indiana town,
Had a good-lookin' mama who never was around.
But she grew up tall and she grew up right
With them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights.

Well, she moved down here at the age of eighteen.
She blew the boys away, was more than they'd seen.
I was introduced and we both started groovin'.
I said, "I dig you baby, but I got to keep movin' on.
Keep movin' on."

Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the pain.
I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

Well, I don't know, but I've been told,
You never slow down, you never grow old.
I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down,
Tired of myself, tired of this town.

Oh, my, my. Oh, hell, yes.
Honey, put on that party dress.
Buy me a drink, sing me a song.
Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long.

Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the pain.
I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

There's pigeons down on Market Square.
She's standin' in her underwear,
Lookin' down from a hotel room.
Nightfall will be comin' soon.

Oh, my, my. Oh, hell, yes.
You got to put on that party dress.
It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone.
I hit my last number and walked to the road.

Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the pain.
I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

7:37pm: An Update
because i haven't done this in a while and there are a lot of people i don't see until the crows come home to rost on the rec hall porch i felt that it would be a jerk thing to not give an update... so, thats what i am doing.

- I AM GOING TO CAMP. (the most important thing for my freinds down south) However, camp is desperate for +18yo counslours so for my home town buddies if you wanna make so sweet cash (1500-2000 not including tips)and meet good people with good parties let me know.
- I GOT INTO COLLEGE. So thats a definate plus to know your not a complete retard but whatev. I got into U Buff and Oswego. I'm still waiting to hear m the film dept at purchase and i'm on the "Wait List" aka the you were smart enough to be functioning but too dumb for us to want you list.
-I AM IN PAIN. Everyone knows about my stomach which is being a bitch but also my joints, muscles and bones are killing me. I'm taking way to many pain killers and thats something i didn't want to do but there you go. I have no idea what it is i can't even walk right. I think the doc the good move but...call me old fashioned...i'm too stuborn to admit that it hurts to put my feet on the floor or to move my leg.
-I THINK I HAVE AN INTERNSHIP. Preety much it's down to doing grunt work for the local theater making sets or plugging numbers into a computer for the NYS Dept of Corrections. Not much else to say about that other then it's a bitch to get either.
-I AM IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. not much else to say other then i have no idea how to be a good boyfreind so i'm gussing that becuse we've been going out for a while that i'm doin a little better but i should hang out with her more. sorry linsey. but in any case a relationship where i'm happy to be around her and i feel good for once is a plus in my book. (I'm not a real good romantic so i hope that this short blur let's you know that you are really important to me even if i don't show it and thanks for everything)
-I AM TRYING TO CHILL WITH THE BURNING/DRINKING. Now I'm not quitting permentaly i'm just getting sick a lot and when i burn now i feel bad. I don't have the money for it. And i am getting a little tired of having nothing to do other then to burn and cruise. It's not fair for the people driving and more importantly i'm trying to think about the last good thing i did sober with a group...it's not looking good. With the drinking i'm ok with chillin with a brew at a party but it's gonna be while before i chug till the point i get so shitfaced that i become the walking punchline for the party.
-I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT BEING A GOOD FREIND. There are some people close to my life where there life is falling apart even if they don't know it and i want to be there to catch them and help but i don't know what to say. Leading to the above point. I'm getting worried for some. Addiction is a hard thing i don't care what the drug. Even if you want to down play weed and treat it like only a bunch of retards do it and then your willing to snap at eaver whose geeting drunk without you is the same thing. There are people who look at me like i ran over their dog when i told them i smoked two years ago that are now calling me a pansy for telling them to chill with their weed/alcohol/cigaratte. i love you all and if you can handle your buzz i have no problem with that but i'm getting scared for some. When you can't go one day/weekend without, if you leave your freinds/family for it, if you try to quit but start again and then pretent like there is nothing wrong with that...you need to chill.
And on a similsr note...high school sucks...but it's what we need to do as a society. It doesn't matter where you go, or what you do you'll still deal with the same people so don't even give me that talk. and moving won't do shit except take away the support that got you this far. I know what it's like to be the new kid. not knowing where to sit. not knowing who to talk to. not knowing what to wear/say/feel. and i was lucky because they stuck me with all the new kids so we can transition together but i assure you that HVCC won't have that policy for a GED....
And thats trying to be a good freind but ill try a face to face later.
-I WRITE TOO MUCH ON THESE ENTRIES AND THEY JUST GET ME PISSED AT THE END.

10:13pm: All Apologies
So heres the deal i haven't written in a while mainly because, i am so stressed with work that if you poke hard enough ill crap out a thesis statement. But besisdes that nothing much is new... Im gonna be quitting my job at Hannaford and moving into the high life of... dishwashing? I'm soon to be spending the rest of my time at a hospital of some type with my intership (drug rehibilation). And other then that nothing is new. but i feel like because of my lack of entries i'm gonna a write a little diidy about something depressing.

I'm sorry...I'm sorry to anyone that i may have even remotly hurt in the past 4 years. It seems like people are talking about freinds like there gonna die tommorow (and thats fine) but i would like to think that i love you all equally in some way. So instead, i'm apologizing for dumb shit that i have done in the past that have just made peoples mouth turn sour. I'm sorry for jumping on peoples backs, leving freinds to hang out with others, choosing drugs over people(although i try to avoid this at all costs it still happens), not wanting to hang out, working, asking for rides, making fun of people, talking when shutting my mouth was the imporant thing to do, failing, feeling like shit and bringing the mood down, breking a heart, not forgiving someone who broke mine, not forgiving, making someone feel lower, arguing, not calling back, not being a good freind, not being a good person, complaing about my problems to people that don't care, defacing religious artifacts (sorry bren), killing the mood, not fufilling (sp?) my role as the life of the party, pretending to be smart, making someone feel awkward, not liking someone but pretending to in order to fit in, picking on freshmen, being a bad brother, and for all that i'm sorry.











When i die, fucking, i wanna go to hell
Because i'm a peice of shit
Ain't that fucking hard to tell
It doesn't make sense to go up with the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white
I like my black Tee's and even blacker hoodies

8:41pm: The Props
I haven't written in a while but thats ok because I'm dying and I'm a badass...soooo i was reading my homeboy's (D.Just) lj and it got me thinking (and a little teary eyed) about how freinds are so important in high school and help you so much. And i would like to let all my freinds know that i would take a bullet for all of you, prefably in like the leg or foot but still. And i thank all of you for listning to my rants and helping me out even if you didn't mean it. Another thing that caught my eye, was a line about a closing window of time together...sadly it's true...but we are not even at the good part and we shouldn't be worried about the lack of time together. We still have the classes we skip, senior skip day, and the finale hoo ra of smoking fine cuban out of that hell hole. And evenn if thats not that enough i know that the true freindships will only get stronger with time apart (at least i hope so).

So i have to get back to my 8 pages of work due tommorow, and as a great man once said..."Let the good times roll"

8:36pm: Be Happy
So i am writing you today to decree that, although i may seem like an ass at times...In a weird way i'm trying to make people feel better. Not that i want to be calling shout outs but, i feel bad when my freinds are sad. If there is something i can do or say to make them happy i would be willing to do that to make them feel better. So from now on anyone who knows me and/or can read the words i'm typing (if you can't then your an idiot for not only being illterate but being on lj)if you have problems...i got solutions/ears/words of advise. I think a random white guy from the 70's said it best when he sung

You just call on my name
And you know where ever I am
I'll come running just to save you again
Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall
All you got to do is call
And i'll be there
You got a freind

3:49pm: I am a copy cat
Name 5 of lifes simple pleasures and then tag 5 others to do the same.

1. Being able to sing out loud while walking home, and there being none around telling you to shutup or to give you an awkward moment.
2. Watching the Cowboys (or whatever team your a diehard fan for) win in the closing seconds.
3. Getting a paycheck after a long weekend.
4. Laying in bed, and taking the time to listen to an album all the way through.
5. Making someone laugh (when it's not them laughing at you, for doing something stupid).

Tag your it

D. Just
N. Dubbs
K. Shums
(i think everyone else got asked...ill edit if i'm wrong)

The Addins
Coopa
Mariel
there thats five

1:22am: Things
Allthough im still pissed over worke with school/college/life...things are good right now....I'm going to purchase in a day, i just went to Joe's party (which was amazing and there wasn't even drugs), and after i finally somked with a kid who is awsome and i got play the infamous role of expert smoker with stories. And more importantly things are good all over all aspects of life except for the work part...things are good

1:42am: Carrol is the man
what did you think i was gonna say